i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
