Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
