I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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