Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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