I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
There r osticjed everywhere
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
