Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
