There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
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she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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