I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
