they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
