Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
