Actions speak louder than pants.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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