Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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