hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
