if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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