its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
