Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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