I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I did not marry a roomba.
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