Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i love accidental penises.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.