I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
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It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
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Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.