I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
