She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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