he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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