ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
