The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
