I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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