Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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