normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
