Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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