The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
