The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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