I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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