What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
