just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
40s are totally the cure
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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