Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
