We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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