The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
