Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
