Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
