I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
