he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
