two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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