i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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