guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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