Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
