I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
