First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
