words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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