Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Pooping to opera.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
