I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
