I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
