What a fucking waste of an outfit
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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