God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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