the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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