I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
