My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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