Someone shit on the floor
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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