Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
