I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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