I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
