apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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